Smoke ’em if ya got ’em, cuz as of July 1st you won’t be able to smoke on any Maricopa Community College campus. There are only two things I don’t like about this new rule.

1. It goes into effect AFTER I graduate. (They couldn’t have put this into place three years ago?)

2. The whining and insane reasons I’ve heard from smokers NOT to ban smoking on campus.

The image of smokers is someone who’s tough. So tough they can crush any of the endless list of cancers and fatal diseases they WILL (not may) get if they keep smoking. But they will whine, and cry, and kick up a fuss like a baby in a dirty diaper if you take their death-inducing pacifier away from them.

One of the more ludicrous excuses I’ve heard from smokers not to take their coffin nails away from them, is that smoking relieves stress. I have a way of relieving stress, too. But if I did that in public I’d be arrested, put on some sort of list, and have to get my neighbors to sign a piece of paper every time I move into their neighborhood.

Using stress relief as a reason to spew your toxins into the air is about as stupid as saying sitting in your garage with the car running relieves stress. There are a bazillion other ways that are better for you, and innocent bystanders, to relieve stress. I nap, play music, or write snotty articles.

Another laughably, clinically insane, poorly thought-out bit of “logic” from a smoker I heard about secondhand smoke was, if they ban cigarettes on campus, what’s to stop them from banning junk food?

I tell you what, Chesterfield, when random strangers start going up to other random strangers, force open their mouths, spit chewed junk food into their mouth, and force them to swallow it, then yes, your analogy that junk food is akin to smoking would be a legitimate point. Until that happens, your argument is not only invalid, but stupid. It shows the ignorance of smokers about what their habit does to others.

Unlike junk food, what you put into your body when you smoke, then release from your body, drifts to other people. Most who don’t smoke, don’t want to smoke, have never smoked, never wanted to smoke, and have this crazy idea of trying to drag out their lives as long as possible. And what they don’t need is some self-centered smoking psycho upping their chances of cancer with their noxious fumes. I came here to learn and get into a career I want, not to get a tumor.

Perhaps I’m being a bit harsh. Perhaps a compromise can be reached by me, someone who’s never smoked and has seen family members die in their 40s and 50s from a lifetime of smoking, and you, the smoker. I make this deal with you: if my nose picks up your smoke, I get to belch in your face. Seems fair. You put something disgusting in my face, I put something disgusting in your face. I see no reason why this shouldn’t work. Fair warning, though…I love onion dip.